abuse changes how you see everything. people think for some reason that it’s easy to draw the line. that we are only uncomfortable when the fist is flying, that we only have flashbacks when plates drop. acceptable responses.

there’s a post out there about a woman’s petty revenge. how when she’s angry at her husband she doesn’t kiss his sandwiches because he doesn’t deserve the love she gives. and it’s not that deep. i know it’s not that deep. i know it’s just a story and it’s not meant to mean anything.

but now i’m wondering if my boyfriend stops wanting to love me if i make him mad. but now i’m wondering if my future partner will hold back kissing me before i leave for work, just because i don’t deserve it. now i’m wondering if being petty will stop her from loving me.

see that’s not cute. i know that’s crazy. but i grew up in a house where love was withheld for any reason. i grew up in house where if i wasn’t good enough it would all evaporate in my hands. it’s not about the sandwich. it’s that the sandwich was a rare thing as it was. it’s that the kiss on the sandwich was unheard of. it’s that i’d wake up and sometimes there would be pancakes and sometimes there’d be screaming and that was just normal. that was surviving.

unconditional love isn’t a real thing to me. it’s not a possibility. everything comes with a fine print of “if you don’t behave in a certain way, prepare for the punishment.” and sure it’s okay for me to say i don’t want to get hit. but it changes things. i don’t want him to stop loving me. i don’t want him to hate me. i don’t want this all to end badly. so when i have breakdowns just because she got annoyed with me, when i am untrusting, when i can’t believe that my friends actually want to hang out with me, i’m back to being crazy.

i don’t know. i see other people loving easy. i see other people who didn’t grow up to be good liars, who are bubbly and happy. and i wonder if i could ever get there, instead of being cynical, sarcastic. nasty. if i could just be. happy.