It’s not that I want to kill myself but the bathtub is an easy place to fall asleep in. I take showers instead and don’t think about drowning. It would be weird to die naked anyway. I don’t count the days and hours and minutes like they’re spiders, at least not on purpose. I’m not so tired of being alive that I can’t find a quick moment of enjoyment in the worst television but I also don’t usually bother to try. It’s okay. Sometimes I want to wake up and sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just sleep for a while. I want to harness the guilt I feel at 3 in the morning to make myself better the next day but instead I just keep being this person I can’t stand or maybe am so used to I don’t even recognize as being different from who I actually am. I don’t know. I haven’t taken a bath in a while. I wear my seatbelt. I look before crossing the road. It’s just that for a second, I think about what would happen if I didn’t. And that second is slow.