Do you really think depression is ‘just a phase’?
I’ve had seven years’ worth of experience when it comes to mental disorders. Thinking from the top of my head, it all began when I was ten years old.
It started off as ‘basic depression’, you know, the kind that almost everyone has, and the kind that no one is threatened by since it occurs so often? This all happened within a shit show called my childhood.
Now, on the topic of my childhood… It began with my father’s abuse, which lead him and my mother to get a divorce. It definitely was for the better. During that time I was getting bullied while I was beginning high-school, where it was difficult trying to fit in. This all encouraged my mother to take me to regular counselling sessions which changed to weekly therapy sessions with my psychologist. I tried different types of antidepressants to stabilise my mood, then moved onto medication that helped my depression and anxiety. Coping with depression itself is a challenge. I didn’t do well in that criteria. For me, I turned to self-harming. I would always screw out the razors in pencil sharpeners just to find that sense of reality that I craved. The cuts began as superficial, but it soon became addictive and the cuts got deeper and more frequent. It became a concern to people who were close to me when they saw that I was covered in scars from my wrists to my legs. To add on to that mess, I was also very suicidal. I thought about death almost every day. I remember the time – which I keep having flashbacks of – where I cut in the laundry room of my house, but the razor was sharper than I expected. So I watched my wrist open just like a zipper. I was rushed to hospital afterwards, having a new addition to my scars that stood out from the rest. I’ve been in and out of hospital for about five times from 2015 to 2016, where I was either going to harm myself or potentially kill myself. Or like most of those times, I already have by overdosing on my antidepressants. After those nights spent in hospital, I’d return to my school the next day with bandages around my wrists, which subjected myself to bullying a whole lot more. During all of this madness, I lost the majority of my friends and family, either because of my father or because I watched them die (literally). I never spoken to my father and still haven’t since the abuse and manipulation. It was better for me.
But there’s always a plus side, right? I love to keep telling myself that all the bad things in my life just make the positives much more appreciated and valued. The recovery is like a moment of realisation, a step towards the right path. Recovery can be difficult since you have to do all of the effort, but it really is worth it in the end. Depression is a terrifying and overwhelming experience, but you learn valuable lessons from it. Lucky for me, I found my happiness. I have an anchor. Someone to lean on. And that person happens to be my boyfriend, Steve. He would always encourage me and give me the support I needed. He provided my years’ worth of therapy I needed within a simple conversation. He gave me hope, we set goals together and had a future planned out together. I fell hard for him and it seemed like nothing else mattered in the world but us. My scars faded within each of his soft spoken words. After he stole my heart and gave me a reason to keep fighting, I decided to not let my depression to take over me anymore. So each day since then, I’ve given those negative voices in my head a big “fuck off”, just so I can be happy and prove those voices and thoughts wrong. Depression is a choice, not a lifestyle. You can choose how to live your life.
During a trip to Bali with my close family in 2016, I was determined to get a tattoo. Don’t make assumptions yet, just wait. On my left inner wrist, where I started cutting on and cut the most, was where the tattoo would be. But it’s not just any tattoo. It’s a semicolon. “Why a semicolon”, you may ask. Well think about it like this: Life is like a semicolon; a semicolon is used when a sentence could have ended, but it wasn’t. Makes sense now? Exactly, don’t let your journey end. Keep fighting.
Life is worth living, so don’t give up and fight hard for what you want in life.
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