I walked to the corner store to get a gallon of water the other day and the streets were totally deserted. The sun was seeping into everything, even behind the frames of my bug-eye shades. The air was still and humid. When I came home, I told my caregiver "It's like fucking Tank Girl out there. I need a stillsuit. Yes, I realize I'm mixing my media references."

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If you live in the US, chances are you're having similar issues. Global warming is a thing now and it's happening! I'm pretty sure!! I don't know, that's Not My Field. If you have a medical condition or are on medications that keep you from regulating your body heat, or you just hate sweating, you're pretty much screwed, like a lightbulb. And like a lightbulb, if someone touches you, they'll burn themselves. I don't know exactly where this is going. My point is...

#1. STAY HYDRATED

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This one is reeeeeally obvious and you see it all over tumblr. But sometimes you just aren't into the idea of water, and I get that. A sports drink with water mixed into it is good. Or if you can get those drops that change your water into juice! Or you can cool off AND flavor your water with frozen fruits, which brings me to the next tip:

#2. GO ON A LIQUID DIET IF YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY

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Sometimes it's way too hot to even think about making a sandwich, and eff a whole dinner prep! This is when you stock up on frozen fruit and verggies and protein powder, or prepackaged veggie and protein drinks. It can be tempting to starve yourself during a heat wave, or live on ice cream. But drinking your food will help cool you down, and as a bonus your digestive process won't heat you up as much. This isn't sustainable for a long period of time, but it will make you feel better in the short term if you can't get anything solid into you.

#3. HACK YOUR BODY

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Basically, if you sit on an ice pack and also put two little ice packs (you know, the cute shaped ones with beads inside!) under your armpits, you'll be a LOT cooler. If you have long hair, get it wet with cold water and put it in a bun. Wear a damp t-shirt if it isn't too humid. This is how bees cool off, people. It's straight up NATURE.

#4. SAVE YOUR ENERGY FOR THE GYM

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People like to say there's no excuse for not working out. Well, trying not to die of heat stroke is a pretty good excuse! PLEASE don't try to exercise outside during a heat wave. You will get very uncomfortable and possibly sick. Go to an air conditioned area like a gym to work out, and give it your all, then go ahead and sit in a kiddie pool for the rest of the day. Save physical chores for dawn and dusk, when it's coolest.

#5. PROTECT YOUR PETS

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Look up how to cool down your pet or their habitat on google. Some heat-sensitive insects can be put in the refrigerator safely, some can't. Guinea pigs can stand in shallow water to cool off if they are comfortable with it. Cats and dogs can play with ice cubes or lay on an ice pack covered by a towel. They also sell cooling beds for most small mammals. Remember to thoroughly brush your pet in the summer if they shed! This will remove excess fur and cool them off.

#6. GET OLD FASHIONED

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It can be really fun to wash your clothes and dishes outside with the hose (and spray yourself, obvi) and some biodegradable soap. I like it much better than loading the washing machine or sweating over the sink.

#7. ZINC UP

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Zinc cream is amazing for chub rub heat rash. I recommend Z-Guard with Phytoplex, but you can get a big jar of basic zinc cream at the dollar store. Enjoy your newfound ability to wear skirts without shorts.

Well, that's it. Off I go into the desert to find a giant cactusbeetle to drain for water.