I’ve come to hate the city that I call home.
I’ve come to despise the people I call friends.
All because of a man that cares more about his own paved road
rather than the sidewalk where flowers grow beneath our feet.

I walk around with fear in my heart.
Your absence heavy like a burden on my shoulders.
My loneliness like scars carved in my skin.
And their love like blinding lights into my eyes.

I know you say I’m not ready.
Where I’ve come to love myself
that’s where you’ll be.
Where I can look in the mirror without breaking it,
that’s where you’ll shatter.

All over my heart
is where I want you to be.
In every room; night and day.
Never to return home.

All over my body
is where I want you to stay.
From the side of my neck
to underneath my fingernails.
Succumbing under your touch.

Now I only meet you in my tears
like kaleidoscopes escaping between us.
Reflecting the nightmare we share
and reversing the world into black and white.

Your name spilled like blood on a white floor
and my eyes trying to track your dreams.
Wherever they might live.
I want to haunt you; I want to haunt you in your perception of the world.

May the guilt pour out of your soul
as you see me walking home alone
through streets filled with rejected men.

May the light in your heart extinguish
as you run from the demons that whisper my name
through the darkest tunnel with only self harm to be your guide.

May you tangle your arms around your chest
out of shame for leaving me behind.
Only to embrace the agony of you without me.

-written by Astrid Van wal (@writingaboutyou)